First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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