on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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