Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
