At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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