i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
