Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
