So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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