My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
