I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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