I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
