She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
