Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
