You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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