my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
PANTIES FOUND
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