You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
