I accidentally had phone sex last night
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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