YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
