That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
