Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
