Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
