There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
