i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
