I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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