I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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