Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
