I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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