just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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