just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
organizing the empties. That sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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