Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
