Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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