dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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