What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
