last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
