Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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