god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I queefed so loud it echoed.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
