Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
