i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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