Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
