I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
