frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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