The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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