If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
