well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
