We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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