I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
