So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize