My liver just broke up with me...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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