So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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