My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
