If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
handjob tips. give me some.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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