We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
