Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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