I think I died a long time ago.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
