He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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