honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
