I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize