I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
