Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
