you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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