I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
