i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
