He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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