Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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